Thursday, February 7, 2008
Trapped in the Tour Bus
At 23:00PM Pacific Time on February 6th, 2008 a small clan of people traveling in six tour buses departed Portland, Oregon. They had no idea of the journey that awaited them...
Laughs and good times are being had by all as we eat our dinner in the back lounge of the bus. The mashed potatoes are especially soggy tonight. We chat about topics commonly brought up in conversation; fedoras, james bond, and soccer. bob marley songs are heard in the background.
I retire for the night. certain i'd awake in Salt Lake City for a day off spent about the town.
12:31 - 11:00AM:
I once again have bad dreams. I imagine myself in certain-death situations three times. (1) I'm hanging on a cliff (2) People with guns are breaking into my house (3) Rivers Cuomo has the band trapped in a maze and threatens to unleash a lion to eat us if we dont perform a certain song for him. Sadly, I am not making any of this up.
I awake not to the salty air of Salt Lake City, but rather in the parking lot of a run-down seedy casino in Oregon. Confused, i ask Colonel Petroff what the dealio is. Apparently one of the buses broke down last night and we've been sitting here for hours. Panic sets in.
Minor victory! I've found a box of Honey Bunches of Oats on the bus. I begin to cry when someone points out the box is from 1988. We depart and are once again en route to Utah, but are up against the elements of mother nature.
I'm in the only safe place now, my bunk, and watching Brat Pitt ride a horse on TV. Oxygen supply running low. Things look grim.
I've forgotten my name. I put my beard and my hair into ponytails, as it has now grown past my shoulders. We're driving up and around mountains in Idaho on snow-covered roads. I fear for my sanity / safety. both of which are out of my hands.
The putrid stench of unwashed flesh becomes so overbearing that my eyes begin to water. On the bright side, the smell causes me to reminisce of a time i went to the zoo as a child. I am happy.
The voice of a strange woman i dont recognize appears on the other line of my cell phone. She calls herself "mom" and tells me about a bathroom renovation at her house in New Jersey. This does not ring any bells.
I begin doing sit-ups and push-ups to stay in shape. I thank God for all of those late nights I spent watching Man VS. Wild when i should've been sleeping. I take a risk and eat a bowl of the cereal. Check pulse.
I send out a mass e-mail to my friends and family wishing them well in the future years i wont be able to spend with them. I attach a picture of myself with the e-mail, but dont look familiar at all. My face is sunken in and my skin has a pasty-hue. This is the end of the line. Goodbye cruel world.
ARRIVAL AT HOTEL IN SALT LAKE CITY!! I kiss the muddy ground! After 24 hours on the tour bus i've forgotten how to walk. A good Samaritan gives me a piggyback into the hotel lobby. I am alive.